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Lonely Fat Kid With a Neck Tattoo | #066
Update: 2024-12-16
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Lou and Michael hammer out a little misunderstanding. Lou is checking in with his parts in a new way with new intention. Michael is still addicted to validation. Lou is struggling to come to terms with the parts of his father that live within him. Michael opens up about his childhood and his disbelief that he deserves love. Michael looks back on his last relationship.
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Transcript
00:00:00
Hello my little bear cubs and welcome back to another episode of second-hand therapy
00:00:05
We need to remind you that we are not therapists. We are not experts. This is not professional advice and
00:00:09
This is not a substitute for therapy. Absolutely not and if you're in Los Angeles, we have a live show. Oh
00:00:16
The 19th coming up. 19th. So when you're hearing this
00:00:20
It's a couple days away. Oh, yeah
00:00:24
It's gonna be great. It's well. It's gonna be it's gonna be um, we're gonna be there. I'm not gonna be there
00:00:32
So you can let me know how it goes. I'm not gonna be there. So if you ever will be there
00:00:36
I'm not gonna be there if you had a hope of getting your eyeballs on me or speaking to me or anything like that
00:00:44
Getting over cold. Yeah, keep fucking dreaming because I'm not gonna go to the show. You're going to the show
00:00:52
We will be there December 19th and I'll be there lyric Hyperion. Mm-hmm. If you're in LA come on out hang out
00:01:00
It's gonna be something. It's gonna be something. It's the first time we're ever doing it. So feelings out loud live in person
00:01:06
maybe
00:01:08
Yeah, I might just beat the shit out of everybody in the room. I
00:01:11
Don't know
00:01:14
What else if you want to support the podcast that'd be great if you're enjoying it and
00:01:22
You're like, oh, I hate these fucking ads and at the same time. I'd like to support these guys. Yeah, you do that on patreon
00:01:31
Yeah, add free episodes you get our other non-therapy podcast
00:01:37
Talked about this moron's theory on Harry Potter this week. You know what?
00:01:43
I was reading the comments section a lot a lot of people coming around in my side
00:01:47
Pleasers, that's there. No, come on. I think you might be on something with this basic. Oh shit
00:01:57
No, no, you hate it cuz I'm right. You're not right. I hate it because you have you don't know what you're talking about
00:02:05
If you had read the books or seen the films I have seen the film right
00:02:10
Okay, let me rephrase if you had the capability to remember a film that you've seen
00:02:14
I would take it seriously, okay now now what you might have got me there. Yeah, but cuz you opened it with a bowl
00:02:22
He's dreamed this world. He's popular bro. Everybody hates him buddy buddy. I saw I come up in the comments a few times
00:02:30
He's literally a living legend. Oh, yeah, and everybody hates him for that and everybody and everybody hates him with that who live and everybody hates him for that
00:02:40
Just because he is that he's it's like LeBron James LeBron James is great. Yeah, all the haters. Yeah, I'm one of them fucking
00:02:48
Hey, that doesn't mean your light. This is your therapy coming out
00:02:55
He's the boy everybody liked him. No, they sure didn't okay. We have a patreon support us. Please
00:03:03
Well, you merch discounts access to early episodes all that fun stuff. Yeah, you get the episodes early and ad free
00:03:10
Yeah, we have merch available secondhand therapy pod calm. We just launched some new merch. We dropped some fire
00:03:16
It's dope as fuck. It's cozier
00:03:19
It's so soft. It's cozier than ever. We got some dope shit out there. So
00:03:24
Yeah, okay. We all you if you want to contact us. We have a phone over
00:03:30
Text you can text us. You can leave a voicemail. We might even share it on here and we have a PL box
00:03:35
You can fit you can send this actual physical mail
00:03:39
We've had a few people one person said they dropped a postcard in didn't get it
00:03:43
We had another person said they wanted to write a selector didn't get it
00:03:46
We had another person
00:03:49
Also said they wanted to write a letter didn't get it. This is what I love
00:03:52
I know there's about you that you you love a good follow-through. Yeah, and so
00:03:58
It's it's so funny to me because sometimes people will comment about like where they can buy a shirt or whatever
00:04:03
And then literally like 45 seconds later you but they never bought a shirt and now what he means by literally is I'm going to exaggerate
00:04:10
To make my point. That's what literally means in his brain. Oh, it's great
00:04:15
What lying to everybody? Yeah, it's great. No, I'm just watching you implode and people like I
00:04:21
We're gonna send you a postcard like they never did it. It's like they just wrote you that. That's me imploding, huh?
00:04:26
Yeah, okay, and that's an exaggeration, right? Wow, we might not make it to this episode
00:04:31
Enjoy the show enjoy the show. We love you
00:04:34
[Music]
00:04:44
[Music]
00:05:08
You think I'm feisty tonight. Yeah, why so why feisty what do you what's come my face come across feisty?
00:05:13
Oh, you open the show by telling people if you maybe you arrive to the live show and fight everybody I might
00:05:20
That's feisty right off the bat. I might fight all of them. Yeah, yeah, I'm not I'm not gonna be at the live show. You got a lot of anger buildup over there
00:05:29
What's going on? I don't feel angry
00:05:33
Hmm, that's weird because I feel your anger
00:05:36
[Laughs] Interesting, that's actually one of the things I talked about in therapy today. Oh, really? Yeah, is um
00:05:44
Went
00:05:48
With you this is great. Yeah
00:05:51
One of the tools I'm trying I'm gonna start
00:05:55
Implementing or putting effort toward implementing. Okay is asking myself
00:06:01
How I feel toward you
00:06:05
And it's gonna end our friendship and I gotta tell you so far it's irritated see that's the anger I feel with
00:06:12
Well, irritation of anger different brothers different
00:06:17
cousins
00:06:20
Getting more irritated
00:06:23
[Laughs]
00:06:26
Yeah, so um
00:06:30
I'm really what it's with anybody, but you're sitting here. So you're the example
00:06:34
Yeah, is how do I feel toward them like am I feeling am I feeling irritated? Am I feeling compassionate? Am I feeling
00:06:42
judgmental
00:06:45
um
00:06:47
And then whatever I
00:06:48
Locate what I'm feeling
00:06:50
Check it in with my parts
00:06:53
And seeing which part is feeling that way and then essentially
00:07:00
So like let's let me give you an example. Yeah, I would love one. You got a tattoo on your neck. Yeah. Yeah yesterday
00:07:06
Yeah, it is already your entire personality by today because I posted a picture of it, right? So what I was doing was still talking
00:07:13
Okay, go for it now
00:07:15
Here's here's where I get irritated, okay, and we talked about some the pod many times. Yeah
00:07:22
You got a tattoo mm-hmm great tattoo. Thank you
00:07:27
You didn't do it. Um, Frankie. Great tattoo. Um, it looks great on you
00:07:32
Thank you. There you go. You're welcome
00:07:35
Um
00:07:37
now
00:07:39
I
00:07:40
See that and I'm like dude good for him. He got a great tattoo. He's been thinking about it. He's been wanting it
00:07:45
Mm-hmm. Why can't it stop there? Why can't it just be for you to enjoy? I do enjoy it. Yeah
00:07:53
but
00:07:56
Yeah, I had to post picture last night
00:07:58
posted a video first thing when he got up and that irritates me. Yeah
00:08:03
Two things
00:08:07
Okay, one. Yeah
00:08:10
Yeah, I posted the process of getting the tattoo
00:08:14
Yes, I didn't think that that was a problem. I think that's a thing that
00:08:19
A lot of people do maybe not you
00:08:23
But it's very common when somebody is doing a thing that they're
00:08:26
Posting the process whether it's like dying their hair for the first time and like whatever the fuck like
00:08:32
People will post the process
00:08:35
That's what I did every time you get a tattoo you have to do that. No
00:08:38
Okay, but maybe okay, let's just say yeah, okay two
00:08:45
I didn't want to do this
00:08:51
with somebody
00:08:53
Somebody got their hands tattooed pretty recently
00:08:56
Somebody I know somebody I'm very close to
00:08:59
Mm-hmm both in this room and in life. Mm-hmm
00:09:03
Now did they post a picture of their tattoos? Oh
00:09:08
Hmm now one would say
00:09:12
They did now now did they ah go ahead please finish and did they post a picture of
00:09:21
The tattoo shop when they were there. Oh
00:09:23
body busted again
00:09:26
So I have to ask what is the difference between you posting and me posting
00:09:33
so
00:09:36
I will say the difference for me is I didn't post picture of my hands
00:09:39
I reposted the artist's picture to give him exposure that he did my tattoos
00:09:43
I did not post picture of my hands because they were swollen and balloon-like
00:09:48
And I never post picture of a tattoo after I get it so you're wrong
00:09:51
two
00:09:53
Okay, I started this to talk about my parts and you felt the need to defend yourself when you're not under attack
00:09:59
why
00:10:02
Um
00:10:04
This is very interesting because you say this a lot when we're having conversation you say I defend myself. Mm-hmm
00:10:09
um
00:10:12
That's the first part the second part always two things the second part
00:10:17
Two things yeah the second part is I really think as you're examining
00:10:23
These I don't know it's not as a behavior. I don't know what it is the your interactions with people
00:10:31
Really examine the way that you are
00:10:35
initiating these conversations
00:10:46
Because you're are you telling me to do that? I'm I'm I'm suggesting. Oh, okay
00:10:51
Yeah, god forbidding me tells you to do
00:10:54
So because what happens is a lot of times it feels like you're punching down
00:11:02
And that's why it feels like I have to then or I get defensive or I have to defend myself or it feels like maybe that
00:11:10
I am defending myself because you're coming at it the way you started it was
00:11:15
That you're irritated because I'm posting pictures of this or that
00:11:18
Um even even like even something silly is like the Harry Potter thing
00:11:23
It is
00:11:27
That I
00:11:29
I'm not you know, I'm either not allowed to have that opinion or that I'm dumb for thinking that or that like so you're coming at it
00:11:37
Always from like this negative place of like this is irritating me
00:11:41
I don't understand why you have to do this. It needs to be for you. You're it comes across like you're doing this wrong
00:11:47
And I don't understand why you're doing this wrong
00:11:49
And I'm like oh, I think a lot of people do this and you're like well you're defending yourself
00:11:54
And so I think that's where we get mixed up a lot is or that I feel like
00:11:59
I'm getting attacked when you say like they think you you feel like you're getting attacked
00:12:05
How am I supposed to feel when you are saying things like
00:12:11
That needs to be free like why are you doing it? Don't do that like you what are you doing?
00:12:16
You know what I mean like you shouldn't be doing that. That's why it's coming across is you shouldn't be posting pictures of your
00:12:22
Tattoo that needs to be free like why would you do that?
00:12:26
It comes across as either dumb or wrong
00:12:29
Even the way you're looking at me right now
00:12:33
Because I know what you're gonna say I can't make you feel that no I was gonna say I literally said
00:12:39
For example your tattoos. I feel irritated and you go let me tell you why I do it
00:12:44
I'm trying to tell you my parts and how I'm examining why I'm irritated because I know I shouldn't be irritated
00:12:49
And instead of instead of hearing me out and like examining my parts
00:12:54
You're giving me suggestions on what to do differently because it comes across a certain way
00:12:58
This isn't the first time we've had a conversation like this and we're not having this conversation
00:13:04
I said for example you were tattoos and then you launched into this thing about two things
00:13:10
Yeah, why I did this. I think it's normal. Yeah, okay. That's not what we're talking about
00:13:15
Why did you feel the need to explain all that when I'm saying for example, let me tell you about my parts coming in here
00:13:21
What about that that you felt like you had to justify what you were?
00:13:25
I think it's because it came up off air. It was the first thing you addressed to me this morning
00:13:33
Actually on that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah
00:13:35
That's why so when it so this isn't the first time I'm hearing it
00:13:40
This is coming up. It's attached to this other thing. So I know that it bothers you. I'll hit it. Yeah. Yeah
00:13:46
So it's not just like oh, this is just the thing I'm pulling out of the air. No, I know this is rooted in
00:13:52
truth and so I'm trying to as I said I
00:13:57
Irritated by it. Yes, but why? Oh, I'd love to tell you
00:14:02
Hey, may I finish?
00:14:04
Yeah, cool. Does there anything else?
00:14:08
Yeah, two more things three more things
00:14:12
Go for it. Okay
00:14:16
For example
00:14:18
Posting about your tattoos and all that right first thing in the morning it irritates me
00:14:23
So what I'm going to do
00:14:29
Is go well, one, how am I actually feeling towards it? Is it irritation? Is it judgment? Like what is it?
00:14:36
and
00:14:39
I think the root of it is judgment
00:14:42
because
00:14:46
I know how addicted you are to validation
00:14:49
especially externally and I know how much of that you get from the internet and
00:14:57
I
00:14:59
I don't know the right way to put it. My instinct is to say I wish you didn't need it and you didn't have to chase it so much
00:15:11
But I don't know if it's that I wish that or anything like that
00:15:14
um
00:15:17
I
00:15:25
So yeah, I think it's rooted in judgment
00:15:27
um
00:15:30
Because I honestly I feel sad when I see you continually doing that
00:15:35
um
00:15:39
Yeah
00:15:44
And then I look I try to you know, I try to look in and and I know this is a uncomfortable conversation
00:15:50
um
00:15:52
Like what part is it that is judging you?
00:15:55
or
00:15:57
What what part is feeling sad and I think the sadness is from like my core self
00:16:01
where I feel compassionate and um
00:16:04
Yeah, I'm just like man, I wish you could look at the mirror and be like don't fucking tattoo and go on with go on with your day
00:16:14
um
00:16:17
But I know you need other people to tell you it's a don't tattoo to believe it
00:16:22
And I feel sad knowing that truth
00:16:25
um
00:16:29
But I think the judgey the judgmental part that comes in the part that feels judgmental and
00:16:35
I think it comes out or masks maybe as irritation is um
00:16:42
I don't know I think it's just I don't I haven't been able to
00:16:50
identify that part in what it is
00:16:52
um
00:16:56
I think it's it's similar to
00:16:58
My bloody tears part
00:17:01
Yeah, that sees you
00:17:03
continually do these things and then when we talk about it, you're like yeah, I know I just
00:17:09
and then you just
00:17:12
Can't stop
00:17:15
and um
00:17:19
when
00:17:21
When I want to come at those
00:17:23
Times and I understand this tattoo is such a shallow superficial example. Yeah, we've had this conversation about much
00:17:30
Deeper yeah, there's then I mean just for the people listening
00:17:36
um
00:17:40
Yeah, I just
00:17:43
You know, we have this conversation you're like yeah, I know I just I can't see a fucking get a hold on it and
00:17:48
So like I said, so I just want to shake you
00:17:50
It's be like you don't fucking need it
00:17:53
You don't need it. Stop doing it to yourself
00:17:57
um
00:18:00
So I'm trying to
00:18:05
Again, not just with you with everybody just think
00:18:09
How do I feel towards this person rather than if it's just coming off as irritation or
00:18:18
It I don't know whatever envious or anything like that enamored maybe
00:18:22
Trying to think how I actually feel toward them in those moments and try to figure out
00:18:30
What part is
00:18:33
reacting
00:18:37
It what happened to you over there hmm you've had your head bowed. What did I say did I upset you? No
00:18:46
You sad
00:18:48
How are you feeling? I don't want to project on you. I don't want to give lead you questions
00:18:53
I um
00:18:59
Two things
00:19:02
One yeah
00:19:05
Two things really might have to be a shirt. I really it's so annoying to me now. I like it's all I hear but two things the king of two things
00:19:14
The king of two things
00:19:16
One uh
00:19:20
You sucker punch me man. I sucker punched you. Yeah
00:19:25
Really yeah
00:19:28
Are you mean what what what what did I say?
00:19:31
Uh, I was not expecting that answer
00:19:34
I because and this is why I made the suggestion
00:19:38
Earlier is because I'm only getting that surface irritation. I'm not getting the compassion
00:19:44
That's underneath. Yeah. I'm not getting any of that
00:19:47
I wonder what would happen if you let me finish instead of defending yourself
00:19:50
Well saved us some time. Yeah, this right now and those yes. Yeah, but this reminds me a lot of the episode of few weeks ago
00:20:01
when
00:20:04
You and I were talking about I was talking about loss and I was talking about like how you said you made the comment about
00:20:10
It's not abnormal and this and that what you were getting at was the compassion behind because what we got at in the after the pod
00:20:16
Yeah, well you got a gun on patreon
00:20:19
Uh in the after the pod was that what you were actually getting at was telling me that I was not defective. Yeah
00:20:26
I didn't receive any of that I what
00:20:30
What was received was that again what I said in the episode where it came off as like no big deal like walk it off like everybody fucking right deals with it
00:20:39
And it was like that's what I'm getting is a little a lot of times is just that surface level or just that irritation of like
00:20:47
Again like this morning with the tattooing first thing is like yeah, I saw your fucking store
00:20:52
You know, yeah, so I'm getting the irritation, but I'm not getting any of the compassion or any of the
00:20:57
Anything else that's really underneath it of the root of it
00:21:01
um
00:21:05
And I don't know if this is something that you have noticed
00:21:10
Before or if this is a new thing that you are just now examining like I know you said is new in therapy
00:21:17
But I don't know if this has been on your mind about like
00:21:21
When we do get in these kind of like back and forth where you're like why can't he just fucking here then I'm like
00:21:27
Trying to be compassionate right now. Like is that is that was happening on your end?
00:21:33
Uh, sometimes. Okay, sometimes
00:21:37
Examining my parts like
00:21:41
Um
00:21:44
Yeah, I will like when I said yeah, I saw your fucking video. Cool, man
00:21:47
like
00:21:50
I'm able to see now looking back that that is like a barb
00:21:53
Yeah, it's like just throwing out a little barb. Yeah, little jab. Yeah. Yeah
00:21:59
um
00:22:00
In the moment it doesn't feel like that at all in the moment it feels like I'm breaking your balls. Yeah, but later I'm like
00:22:06
Fuck off. I'll sneak attack
00:22:10
um
00:22:13
But yeah, looking back I can be like oh, yeah, yeah, and then
00:22:17
That is a part of me that I
00:22:20
Do not like because that is my father
00:22:24
hmm and um
00:22:27
Yeah, I'm hoping that
00:22:30
Looking at it in this new way and relating its parts and how I actually feel I can
00:22:35
Minimize the barbs. Yeah, that's the hope
00:22:40
Yeah, cuz again like without the compassion
00:22:45
I'm able to take the ball busting but like I when I went on my little rant there
00:22:50
It was like oh, I know that it's rooted in truth
00:22:53
And so that's what it gets me is like I know the ball busting is rooted in you being irritated
00:22:59
so
00:23:01
You and I have talked about this before sometimes I will go into fight or flight when we are in conversation
00:23:06
Sometimes yeah, yeah, yeah, just when we're talking just just every time we come
00:23:11
But that's why because I I pick up on like I know that we're fucking around we're ball busting
00:23:15
But I also know that secretly there's judgment there and that you and but I'm not getting what's underneath the judgment
00:23:20
I'm just getting the judgment. Why do you think there's always judgment there?
00:23:23
This goes back to like the toast conversation. Yeah, yeah
00:23:29
I you know, I saw something recently about
00:23:31
autistic people and
00:23:35
They were saying that a lot of times people confused their curiosity with either irritation or judgment and so
00:23:43
Yeah, yeah, so like if you do come in like the toast is perfect example if you come in you know like you always make toast like that
00:23:51
It comes off as like are you fucking idiot? You don't have make toast
00:23:55
What you're really saying is like you're just curious like oh, this is how you make toast. Yeah
00:23:59
It doesn't come off that way and so that's that's the that's the hang up and I I saw that and
00:24:05
I probably sent it to you, but yeah, it was the first time I was hearing it from that side of like it is curiosity
00:24:12
um
00:24:15
But it feels I don't know it's it's how you shape it. I don't know. It's weird man
00:24:22
Maybe and again, we've talked about how dry you are and how
00:24:25
Toned and this and that but well it feels
00:24:30
Weighted
00:24:35
Yeah
00:24:37
Do you think
00:24:40
Why not the answer is yes
00:24:42
How much of it do you think is your
00:24:49
Auto response that someone's always trying to embarrass you. Mm-hmm
00:24:53
Cuz I'm I have no doubt I own a part of it. Yeah, I know I don't own all of it. No, I'll take
00:25:01
35 40% of that
00:25:04
Okay, take I'll take a I'll take a good chunk. Yeah, but I can't
00:25:09
Yeah, I can't take it all do you
00:25:16
Do you think you operate at 35 or 40 or is that higher or lower with me?
00:25:21
That's a good question. Thank you
00:25:29
I don't know I'd have to examine it. Yeah, like I'd have to really catch myself doing it. Mm-hmm
00:25:39
Yeah, yeah break
00:25:43
Okay, quick break and then back in a minute in my second thing
00:25:46
Number two. Yeah, it's promised. Yeah, two thing King of two things. King of two things
00:25:56
That's gotta be a shirt. That's better than the people's champ. I'm gonna tell you. Yeah, it is better than people's champ. I know
00:26:02
Um
00:26:06
This has to do with the people's champ
00:26:09
Hmm
00:26:11
The validation thing and relying on other people's validation
00:26:18
That is directly rooted to my childhood and it is
00:26:22
something that I
00:26:26
felt like
00:26:29
I had to do to make and keep friendships and relationships. I had
00:26:37
Like I just needed approval
00:26:41
from who friends and
00:26:44
girls and teachers and oh, so what did that look like when you were younger? What approval did you get from your friends or did you crave?
00:26:52
Just fitting in as
00:26:56
Fucking cliche is that is like, but what does that look like? Is it words? Is it actions words?
00:27:04
Uh
00:27:06
Mainly just
00:27:09
Inclusion
00:27:12
Invited to things phone calls
00:27:15
Inclusion I didn't have I had to I had to fight for inclusion and um
00:27:25
Why do you think you had to fight for inclusion?
00:27:29
Uh
00:27:33
I
00:27:35
The way I looked
00:27:42
Yeah, just that was just a bigger kid and nobody wanted to fucking
00:27:46
Nobody wanted anything to do with me unless I was
00:27:51
Funny or nice or fucking
00:27:56
All the things I had to I had to be I had to be
00:28:02
All the time um, I wasn't allowed to put my guard down. I wasn't allowed to be anything else, but
00:28:09
The thing they wanted me to be or else they wouldn't hang out with me or they wouldn't include me
00:28:14
um
00:28:18
And so I needed their approval
00:28:22
I didn't need it. I wanted it. Yeah
00:28:27
Um, and that's a hard thing to shake especially again when you build a life out of hey look at me
00:28:34
You know it's hard to turn that off. Yeah
00:28:38
um
00:28:41
Yeah, I don't know how to
00:28:46
I don't know if I've ever been really
00:28:57
Concerned on turning that off
00:28:59
I've never put any effort towards that. I have a guess
00:29:02
Yeah, I've never put any effort towards
00:29:06
Turning that off what
00:29:10
I don't know. It's all I know
00:29:14
It's hard when it's all you know
00:29:18
Hey man, why aren't you speaking Spanish right now because English is what you fucking know
00:29:24
Like you never tried you never thought about learning Spanish like no
00:29:27
Why would I do that? I know a little Spanish. Yeah, you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, but it's sad
00:29:33
It's like oh, this is just life. I mean this is just
00:29:37
All I fucking know man
00:29:40
It's interesting that you equate
00:29:43
Validation to basic communication skills
00:29:53
Well, that's it. That is interesting. That is very interesting that's for my therapist. Yeah
00:29:58
Yeah, so those are my two things we can go back to your thing now. No, no, no, no, no
00:30:05
This is much more and this is much more interesting no bueno
00:30:10
Please though
00:30:15
Well um
00:30:17
I'm gonna challenge on something. Okay
00:30:22
Looking back if you're really to take
00:30:25
All biases everything you know now and you look at it
00:30:32
unfiltered and you're very honest with yourself
00:30:36
When you were younger
00:30:40
Is it possible that
00:30:44
You weren't
00:30:50
constantly being excluded
00:30:52
That you just wanted more
00:30:55
Mm
00:30:58
Because who you are now
00:31:00
Yeah, never enough whatever is it's never enough
00:31:03
Yeah, um when you learn that
00:31:06
Yeah, it's probably a mix of that it has to be a mix of that yeah because
00:31:13
A lot of my validation was centered around the way that I looked
00:31:20
Um
00:31:21
So you're inward validation
00:31:23
Yeah, that's what you wanted
00:31:26
You want a people to
00:31:28
No, that was just how like I got treated differently because of the way I looked
00:31:33
So in a way I why do you why do you think that? Why do I think that? Yeah, oh
00:31:45
Buddy, yeah, I was told that all the fucking time they would just tell you we're not inviting you because you're fat
00:31:53
They would just call me fat all the
00:31:55
And you know like it was always about my weight. It was always about
00:32:00
Mainly my weight
00:32:05
Okay, I remember I've been there. Yeah, and you know
00:32:10
They get it from family you get it from friends you get it from girlfriends and
00:32:14
Or while girls you like who are your friends who will never be your girlfriend
00:32:19
And that's okay because I don't know you anything. That's true
00:32:22
Still hurts
00:32:26
Yeah, and then you grow up and it's you're even more surrounded by it. It's in
00:32:36
TV shows and magazines and fucking everything you have to look this way
00:32:44
Or else
00:32:46
You don't matter
00:32:49
Now that you don't matter, but you don't matter as much as
00:32:52
These good-looking people do you think you learned it first from other kids? Do you think you learned it first from your mom?
00:32:58
Is remote is very vain. Mm-hmm very into appearances. Yeah
00:33:02
I don't know
00:33:08
And that's on trauma
00:33:11
Can't remember god damn thing. Hey man
00:33:13
From
00:33:18
10 below
00:33:20
Your guess is good as mine, bud. Yeah
00:33:22
Yeah, I'm so curious when you're gonna unlock that time. Oh, buddy. I'm not it's gonna be
00:33:29
horrific
00:33:33
Yeah, that's a
00:33:36
That's gonna be a lot go
00:33:40
What are you afraid you're gonna learn? Mm
00:33:44
I don't know
00:33:54
I don't know, but there has to be something
00:33:58
It's been some real bad shit hiding back there if I can't even fucking
00:34:07
See a preview
00:34:09
Yeah, you think right. Yeah
00:34:11
Yeah, how bad's the movie if you can't even find a trailer for it
00:34:16
They wiped the clean
00:34:20
No, you're just gonna go in blind
00:34:22
That's one of the uh going back to my parts. Mm-hmm. That's one of the things
00:34:28
I'm kind of supposed to check it with my parts like for example the irritation or whatever
00:34:35
Um, asking those parts like
00:34:37
You're asking myself what is this part afraid will happen if I'm not irritated or judgmental or whatever. Yeah
00:34:48
I have no fucking idea
00:34:52
Because my instinct is to figure it out in my brain
00:34:57
And it's not what parts are yeah parts are about like connecting with yourself and like
00:35:04
It's all about feelings
00:35:06
So I'm like, hmm what would make sense here and like it doesn't that's not how it works. So
00:35:11
My into my intellectualizing
00:35:13
makes um
00:35:17
These inward looks very difficult for me. Yeah. Yeah. How hard is it gonna be for you to
00:35:22
Pause in the moment and ask yourself those questions
00:35:28
I don't know
00:35:33
Yeah, I don't know
00:35:35
um
00:35:37
I would think it's at first it's gonna be difficult because
00:35:39
I am very quick
00:35:45
Like I
00:35:48
When somebody says something to me I I process it and respond very quickly. Yeah
00:35:53
um
00:35:55
That's something my uh my partner has she's been like sometimes
00:36:01
Especially if we're in like a heightened thing she's like talking to you is like sometimes like talking to a computer
00:36:06
She's like I type it in and instantly you have
00:36:09
Analyze and have a response and she's like and I don't even know if I meant what I said yet. Yeah
00:36:16
um
00:36:18
And that might be autism. There might be trauma
00:36:21
We don't know if we've got multiple drugs. We've got multiple drugs
00:36:25
Oh autistic it is traumatized
00:36:30
It's all trauma. Yeah
00:36:32
So I think at first it's gonna be
00:36:36
Um, it's gonna be really difficult. Yeah to take that take those moments of pause
00:36:42
Can I give you some feedback on that on those instant results? Oh, sure
00:36:49
um
00:36:51
Undecided things. Mm-hmm. Sometimes
00:36:53
Within escalates conversations between us. Mm-hmm. And maybe
00:36:59
Between you guys as well or whoever you're having these conversations with
00:37:02
Um skip between you and I but yeah, sure you are so fast that it
00:37:08
It doesn't feel like it's being considered
00:37:11
Mm-hmm. Yeah, that makes sense. So I get that from you a lot
00:37:15
Yeah, yeah, I'll say something. You know, hit me back with something. I'm like
00:37:18
Yeah, you just know that like you're not even gonna fucking think about what I said what very dismissed
00:37:23
Yeah, yeah, you can feel very dismissal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's so fat
00:37:27
You're like you're not even hearing you've already made up your mind
00:37:31
Yeah, that's not what comes off. Yeah, yeah, and I'm like I already thought of that two days ago
00:37:36
Yeah, and I've thought of everything
00:37:38
Yeah, not that makes perfect sense. Yeah, yeah, I could see that comes across
00:37:42
Yeah, so I'm just I'm too smart for most people is what I'm saying. Yeah, what if like what do what if I was that arrogant?
00:37:50
Then I would be my father
00:37:55
All right. What'd you talk about? Oh, we're not done with you yet
00:37:58
He's old. Okay, what do you got these father feelings you're having? Oh god
00:38:04
Because this is the first time I'm hearing you really bring up
00:38:08
these rooted issues that
00:38:11
Connect with him and these conversations you've had before or connections you've had before yeah, okay
00:38:18
Yeah, yeah, one of the
00:38:21
um
00:38:24
One of the things I
00:38:26
I keep trying to like sense myself so I'm not doing like negative self-talk
00:38:31
Yeah, I'm just gonna talk one of the things I fucking hate about myself
00:38:37
is
00:38:40
my ability
00:38:42
To be incredibly cruel with words
00:38:46
um
00:38:50
I can bring you to your fucking knees with words
00:38:53
and
00:38:54
not in a uh
00:38:59
Your mom kind of way yeah, and a I will call out your deepest insecurity and mock you with it. Yeah kind of way
00:39:09
um
00:39:13
And I think it's
00:39:15
One of if not the ugliest part of me
00:39:18
So when these types of things are tied
00:39:22
To that feeling for me yeah
00:39:24
um
00:39:27
It's unpleasant
00:39:31
And it it becomes very self-critical for me
00:39:33
um
00:39:36
Because it's just
00:39:38
I do have parts of my dad in me. It's unavoidable. Yeah. Um, I wish they weren't there, but they are
00:39:47
and
00:39:51
um
00:39:53
Yeah, this is part of the work
00:39:57
Yeah, it's facing these ugly parts yourself. You don't like and um, I've talked about those parts in therapy before
00:40:05
um
00:40:09
Yeah, it sucks it really sucks um
00:40:20
It's unfortunate. I have I will I will I do
00:40:23
Um, I am able to be proud of myself in a way that I've
00:40:27
I don't do that anymore
00:40:31
Yeah, even if
00:40:33
I do feel like I'm back to in a corner
00:40:37
Whether it's shame or embarrassment or whatever then I got a I got a
00:40:46
Use words to get my way out even in those moments. I can usually
00:40:50
communicate like
00:40:54
I'm about to say some things that will ruin our relationship
00:40:57
So this conversation needs to stop right now and I'm able to communicate that now
00:41:02
Whereas in the past
00:41:06
Yeah, I just let it fly and have you ruined relationships in the past like that
00:41:16
I don't know
00:41:18
Don't ever left okay, I was going to but you know you never know how somebody looks at you you know you never know
00:41:25
Yeah, you never know when you say something or somebody that they never forget
00:41:29
Yeah, fuck you don't know that um
00:41:33
I would I would feel very confident saying I have said things to people
00:41:40
I love very deeply that they never
00:41:44
We'll forget and I'm ashamed of that
00:41:47
I have a lot of shame around that um
00:41:51
But I don't do that anymore thankfully or I haven't in many years yeah um
00:41:58
Yeah
00:42:04
So
00:42:07
Are you able to do the
00:42:11
Abyss it with the parts that you are proud of because you were able to see the parts that you're not
00:42:16
Proud of and you're ashamed of and all these things
00:42:19
How does it go the other way? Are you able to recognize
00:42:25
Things you do like about yourself
00:42:29
Yeah
00:42:33
What what I've learned in
00:42:37
In doing parts work and don't quote me not an expert yeah
00:42:43
But all the parts you're finding are
00:42:46
protectors and exiles and
00:42:49
Typically not great parts. Yeah, they're they're ways that you cope and you deal with things and their behaviors that you take
00:42:59
That you think are keeping you safe
00:43:03
so
00:43:06
um
00:43:07
Yeah, the parts of myself that I'm most
00:43:10
Proud of are when I'm able to access my core self and I can come with things with compassion and curiosity and care
00:43:18
And those types of things um
00:43:21
Really the
00:43:25
Um
00:43:28
Kind of the heart not the hardest but one of the harder parts of parts work for me is
00:43:36
Just telling the protective parts and all those that like
00:43:38
Hey, it makes sense. I understand why you're doing that. You think you're trying to keep me safe. Yeah
00:43:44
And trying to connect with them
00:43:47
and um
00:43:50
Find out what other job would you rather be doing? Yeah, you know
00:43:55
That's the mission
00:44:00
Yeah, it's a long one
00:44:02
Um, yeah
00:44:05
Going back to the timing thing
00:44:07
being so quick to respond
00:44:10
do you think that
00:44:12
Giving a little bit of uh of a beat or a break before you respond would help with
00:44:19
firing off the hip and saying things that you either like
00:44:23
didn't want to later or
00:44:26
Things that come off as irritation, but really are compassion these kind of things
00:44:31
Ideally, yeah, yeah, I mean, I don't I don't really fire off the hip and say things I don't mean
00:44:36
I do
00:44:38
Of course, it's just it's not like yeah
00:44:41
Evisoration level right yeah, I'm not saying I'm just saying like the day-to-day
00:44:46
You know the ball of busting in this and that is really rooted in in real shit
00:44:50
Um, yeah, not all ball busting. Yeah, I mean, you know, we far
00:44:55
It's our love language. Yeah
00:44:57
Um, but yeah, ideally
00:44:59
Ideally taking a beat would
00:45:01
Yeah, minimize a lot of things and
00:45:06
Hopefully eliminate a lot of those types of problems
00:45:09
How hard is that for you to slow down like that? I don't know, I just learned today
00:45:17
Yeah, I haven't really had much time to implement yet, so
00:45:23
We have a fairly stressful day tomorrow
00:45:27
So we'll see yeah
00:45:29
Speaking and taking a beat we'll be right back
00:45:32
We talked about uh
00:45:40
loss
00:45:41
this week
00:45:43
He asked me last week when the idea of loss comes up
00:45:47
What is it? How how do I feel? What do I think of and those things and so he
00:45:54
Is this loss specific to grief? No, just loss in general. Okay, because we're talking about um, you know
00:46:00
It took all those assessment tests last week about abandonment issues. Yeah, and so we were talking about loss and abandonment and these things
00:46:06
And so he uh, he asked me
00:46:09
Uh, what do I think about when uh, I think about loss and grief is actually
00:46:16
Number two on my list. Hmm. Yeah
00:46:21
There's a number one
00:46:23
Losing weight
00:46:25
Oh, yeah
00:46:27
Number one is disappointment. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Disappointing others. Okay
00:46:33
afraid of losing others because they are
00:46:38
I'm not good enough for them to hang around
00:46:43
People pleasing yeah, yes, that's my number one number one relationship to loss is losing people
00:46:51
hmm
00:46:53
Okay, yeah, because they're not pleased with you. Number two. Yeah, that is
00:46:58
That's a deep rooted people pleasing. Yeah, wow. Yeah, which led us to why I feel that way
00:47:07
And it's just the general feeling kind of what we were talking about earlier about like
00:47:12
Just being unworthy of love
00:47:15
And self-value
00:47:19
Which led us to take another test
00:47:23
Hey, man, I'm back in school. Yeah
00:47:27
Yeah, oh god. We took a test on um self-perception
00:47:33
Hmm that uh, I well, I don't recommend it
00:47:37
Um
00:47:40
The grandiosity come come out. No, no, it was more like um
00:47:46
There was like a scale to one to six again, and he was asking things like um
00:47:51
Uh, like if
00:47:54
If any um
00:47:57
If somebody had loved me before if I was afraid of them
00:48:02
If I was afraid of losing them because of my behaviors or something like that
00:48:08
I was like, oh, yeah, six and then it was like um
00:48:11
Uh
00:48:15
Okay, what was that? What was another question like that?
00:48:17
It was all it was kind of all shaped around
00:48:23
Romantic relationships a little bit
00:48:26
Anyways, I'm roast all sixes um
00:48:33
With your eyes closed. Yeah, his eyes closed. It's almost all
00:48:37
Sixes. Yeah, he's like yeah, do you do you inherently um believe that you deserve love?
00:48:45
I'm like no
00:48:47
I did with your mother. How can you I don't understand that fucking no, man because she was the only one that did that
00:48:54
Nobody else did
00:48:56
Everybody hated me besides my mom
00:48:58
Okay, yeah
00:49:01
Um
00:49:04
So you don't you don't inherently believe you deserve love now. Yeah, I honestly think that's probably
00:49:13
Yeah, shockingly common
00:49:15
Yeah, yeah
00:49:19
It's hard to believe you deserve love just for existing. Yeah, just to be honest. Oh, I'm here. You should love me as I'm one of the fuck
00:49:24
Yeah, well, I don't know about you. What are you going? I don't think you should love me as the same as I
00:49:29
deserve love
00:49:32
Hmm
00:49:35
Maybe I'm getting those things mixed up. Yeah
00:49:37
Oh
00:49:43
Go ahead
00:49:45
Turns out. Yeah, it's a old friend shame
00:49:49
Shout out to shame fucking shout out shame. It's been a while, Doc. How's it? How you living? Oh, terrible
00:49:57
Large large and in charge
00:50:01
All right, tell me about shame shame shame shame shame shame shame uh, yeah
00:50:06
um
00:50:11
Yeah, and then at uh, and then
00:50:13
Then we really got into relationships
00:50:20
Are you gonna elaborate on the shame
00:50:24
Um
00:50:27
Or by jump in the gun. What's that coming? Let's come back around
00:50:33
Let's put a bookmark on shame
00:50:36
Okay
00:50:39
Just know that a lot of
00:50:43
Self-worth is shame related. Okay
00:50:48
Just in general. Yeah, not just with me
00:50:51
So then we started talking about past relationships
00:50:55
and uh, he started asking me about
00:51:00
Some recent ones and this and that and uh
00:51:04
I ended up
00:51:09
kind of filling him in on
00:51:11
Uh, where some of that
00:51:15
Shame comes from
00:51:17
Can I ask you a semi-off topic question? Sure. Do you realize when you close your eyes for an extended period of time while you're talking?
00:51:24
Uh
00:51:26
Not usually where do you go when that happens? Um
00:51:32
I usually go to the thing that I'm talking about. It's like a focus. Not a focus. It's like a
00:51:39
I describe this I'm teleporting into that memory and feeling it out and like
00:51:48
Kind of grabbing what I need and coming back. Okay. Sorry. Does that make any sense? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you do it a lot
00:51:56
I've always wanted to ask
00:51:58
Yeah, that's most of the time. Yeah, sometimes it just hurts
00:52:02
Sometimes is hey man. Sometimes just algae. I need to I need to
00:52:06
Method act an app. I've got sleep to this one. Yeah
00:52:10
Uh, sometimes it hurts too much to be present. That's that's algae. I go bye-bye quick nap
00:52:17
You know about an emotional quick nap, right? A little quick nap. I don't know
00:52:24
um
00:52:26
My have a lot of shame attached to my past relationship
00:52:31
Okay, and uh
00:52:33
I've talked about it a little bit on here. Yeah, a little bit a little bit um
00:52:41
But one of the issues that I had in that relationship from the jump was just not feeling like I was good enough for this person
00:52:53
I always felt like it was temporary
00:52:55
um
00:52:58
It was spoiler alert. It's spoiler alert. It's such a dumb joke to make right there. I'm so sorry. It's so good
00:53:04
Yeah, I just never thought I was
00:53:08
Cool enough good looking enough, you know, all they just enough for this person and I always thought it was you know
00:53:16
um
00:53:19
Gonna go at any minute is that because of her because of you
00:53:22
her okay, she's a very
00:53:28
electric person very magnetic
00:53:30
um
00:53:33
Very stylish and cool and like all those things the things that like
00:53:37
Not only do I want any partner, but
00:53:44
That I wanted in myself
00:53:47
Yeah
00:53:51
I gotta keep up with this and uh
00:53:56
I hadn't felt that way in a long time yeah um
00:54:00
It was a great
00:54:07
Relationship when it was great and we I had a lot of things. I had family again her family loved me and
00:54:13
They were close and we'd have big gatherings and all that stuff and I had a home life, you know
00:54:20
She had a daughter and her and I would come home to them and I never thought that I would want
00:54:26
The child and that kind of thing and I had it all of a sudden and it was I was loving that connection and that
00:54:33
Part of life that I never thought that I would get to experience and
00:54:37
um
00:54:40
The flip side is it was it happened during
00:54:45
Lockdown unfortunately and I've talked about it before on here where I just kind of like lost myself during the lockdown and
00:54:52
yeah, and then
00:54:56
The shame comes uh
00:55:00
I wasn't able to um
00:55:06
Show up
00:55:09
The way that she needed me to and the way that I
00:55:14
Wanted to in that relationship when you say the way she needed you to
00:55:18
Mm-hmm
00:55:20
These are things she was asking for that you were unable to do yeah, okay
00:55:25
Yeah, and uh
00:55:27
Yeah, it sucked I and in hindsight of course like you're looking back and and everything and
00:55:37
You can see it now I couldn't really see it then I knew that I wasn't
00:55:42
I'm in a great position duh, but I didn't know how bad that I
00:55:51
Had gotten um or how much I had lost myself
00:55:55
um
00:55:58
That sucks and uh so I have I have a lot of shame that's attached to that
00:56:03
Relationship and that abandonment
00:56:07
From that relationship
00:56:11
is
00:56:13
My fault and
00:56:20
Uh
00:56:22
It sucks
00:56:26
Moving forward and knowing that and I think I'm a little scared of
00:56:32
Uh
00:56:37
Doing that again and not being able to show up for someone and uh in in a relationship and uh that is
00:56:46
That's
00:56:51
I think a new and big
00:56:53
Hurtle that I did not know is there before um
00:56:57
Yeah
00:57:05
Hmm
00:57:08
What the fuck what are you what what do you got over there bud
00:57:12
It's just interesting. Mm-hmm is it it is
00:57:20
Cool uh
00:57:22
It is interesting
00:57:25
To me yeah that mm-hmm
00:57:31
Your biggest fear
00:57:36
Hmm about getting into a new relationship
00:57:41
Isn't
00:57:45
Getting hurt
00:57:47
It isn't
00:57:49
Not getting the love you deserve
00:57:52
It's
00:57:56
Am I gonna be able to
00:57:58
Please this person adequately
00:58:02
Yeah
00:58:06
And that
00:58:08
Is incredibly co-dependent
00:58:10
Yeah
00:58:13
Maybe I'm not an expert sounds co-dependent of shit my number one disappointment
00:58:17
Yeah
00:58:19
Your your biggest fear of getting relationship isn't getting hurt. It's
00:58:21
Yeah, not being good enough
00:58:25
Yeah, cuz we know why
00:58:29
Why it's not be fine
00:58:33
Don't worry about me. Yeah
00:58:35
I'll be fine. I'll figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. How do you usually figure it out? What does that look like? Oh, buddy
00:58:43
What does life look like be figured it out the important thing is that I eventually
00:58:49
Figure it out right now. What happens in between uh, yeah
00:58:54
What is what is figured it out look like? Yeah, I figured it out. What does it look like figured it out?
00:58:59
Do you true and I'm not I'm not challenging. Oh, this is a genuine question. Do you feel like you've figured it out?
00:59:07
No, oh
00:59:10
So you're lying to both of us? No
00:59:13
I
00:59:15
Feel like
00:59:17
Well, this is the next part we talked about. Mm-hmm. It was rebuilding. Mm-hmm
00:59:21
Um
00:59:26
I think I figured out a lot of shit
00:59:33
But there's stuff that I'm learning about that relationship and the
00:59:40
I don't want to I don't know what else to call just for a lack of better term the
00:59:45
Damage that is still there for you for me the that I'm learning about you know with yeah
00:59:54
Again, this idea of like yeah, that's my big fear is disappointing someone else. Oh, that's new
00:59:59
That's new. Yeah. Oh, yeah
01:00:03
You hadn't I uh
01:00:06
That's a new one that's fresh
01:00:09
Ah
01:00:11
So um we got into talking about rebuilding what life looked like after that because
01:00:19
Hold on
01:00:22
Let's take a break take a break before we before we break about before we get to rebuilding. Okay back in one minute
01:00:33
So we talked about rebuilding and um what that looked like afterwards
01:00:38
and
01:00:42
You know going back to loss like I felt like I lost a lot you know this potential of
01:00:50
Belonging to a family again this having this home life
01:00:55
having just
01:00:58
You know we had a nice house and like all these things I lost a lot of financial stuff during
01:01:03
Covid and trying to get back on my feet and uh
01:01:06
Um
01:01:09
Physical things, you know like I had to
01:01:13
You know um
01:01:17
A load of a truck and move to the city you know kind of thing and
01:01:22
It just had to rebuild um and on top of all that I was rebuilding who I
01:01:28
Was or who I'd had who I'd have been for 20 years
01:01:32
I was stepping away from doing stand-up comedy and getting into film production and making that switch and letting go of all that and so I had this kind of
01:01:41
I literally had like this whole new
01:01:45
Life that was starting um and a lot of my attachment to self-love and self
01:01:52
Image and all of that stuff was attached to old me
01:01:56
You and I have talked about it. I think I'm here a few times where a lot a lot of my
01:02:02
The shame that I have and disgust of myself is because I look at old pictures of me or videos and I'm like man
01:02:10
I don't look like me
01:02:13
um
01:02:15
And when I've come around to now is letting go of
01:02:19
I'm able to let go now of that and be like yeah, I
01:02:23
I don't look like me and I also don't want to look
01:02:26
Like that guy anymore because I'm not that guy anymore
01:02:32
I'm this new thing and
01:02:34
Part of the struggle that I was going back and forth with this new neck tattoo and all that stuff was that idea of like
01:02:44
Oh, I don't know if that's something that I would do well guess what new me would
01:02:49
new me would fucking do it
01:02:52
And he did and so now I'm having fun kind of
01:02:57
Building this new avatar of like this is me now
01:03:01
And letting go more of this is who I used to be and it's bringing me a lot more value and self-confidence and self-worth of like stepping into this new life of like
01:03:14
You know, I've only got a couple strings tying me to that old, you know
01:03:19
I do a couple shows a year here and there that like
01:03:22
Poles me back in you know, but like not really
01:03:27
Um, and so yeah, it's
01:03:30
That's
01:03:34
kind of what figuring out looks like
01:03:37
rebuilding
01:03:41
Re-evaluating
01:03:44
And trying to envision how to move forward and what that looks like
01:03:50
And what you really want out of it and not what you're willing to settle for
01:03:56
And I've done that so many times in my life that I finally feel like
01:04:01
I'm coming around to the idea of like going after what I want instead of
01:04:06
What I can get
01:04:09
What do you want?
01:04:12
Man, it's just
01:04:23
It's
01:04:25
fucking
01:04:28
peace
01:04:30
I just
01:04:34
Yeah, what does peace look like for you?
01:04:46
The power to slow down
01:04:51
Hmm
01:04:53
How do you get it
01:04:55
You know an old made answer or knew me both old me
01:05:16
Work your fucking ass off you'll get there work your ass off to slow down. Yeah. Okay. You got a hustle the fucking kickback
01:05:26
And knew you
01:05:29
Acceptance
01:05:32
Self acceptance
01:05:34
So what are you gonna do that?
01:05:39
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